I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
