Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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