mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dignity is for republicans.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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