Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Less talking, more tequila
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
