Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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