Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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