I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize