the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry about my life...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
