I accidentally had phone sex last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
