i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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