Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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