Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
