he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
