i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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