i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
