Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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