I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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