I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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