He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
