Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
