this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
