i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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