if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
