The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
FUCK WHALES
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