I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
