I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
