you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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