wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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