plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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