Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
