and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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