I am spending my child support on dildos
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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