i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
