Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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