dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
