Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
