You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
