my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
