I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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