My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
