My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
