I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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