god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
