I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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