I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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