I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
