After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
