...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
