Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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