I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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