Your face is a jimmy john
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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