im having a threesome with these popsicles
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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