I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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