Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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