Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
