omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
