I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
