Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
