It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
