The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
