you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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