I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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