Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
