So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
