Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
